About Me: Q & A
Why did you call yourself the oddball?
I first used the oddball many years ago when I remembered being told that someone said I was an oddball and thought it would make a good nickname for me. I don't know what names I want to go by anymore and I don't want to use my real name so I like the odd ball as sort of a generic nickname.
The oddball avatar is basically a stylized caricature focusing on certain aspects more in line with playfulness, fun, goofing off etc. It is a compromise between admitting I'm a weirdo and presenting myself in a way I like.
The name fits me more than it seems to. It's just hard to tell because I'm really introverted and don't express or show much and have a hard time with communication. Offline this introverted thing actually appears quite peculiar to people. There are are number of things about me which led me to believe I was a weird person which I go into here.
All My Alts (you soap lovers will get that):
Xia is my main and I made her when I was going through a phase in which I had this fantasy self that was like a super beautiful sexy seductress/goddess. I mostly use Xia for business now.
I made oddball when I realized I'd grown out of that phase and was ready for a change. I wanted something more me.
I switched back to using Xia and made Jester because I got sick of all the debacle over oddball which also made me realize that I should stop seeing myself (and others) in terms of weird vs normal.
Looking back I think what I was doing was expressing and caricaturizing different aspects of myself. First was my sexuality, then returning to "myself" focusing on my playful goofballishness, then when I decided I had to let go of the odd label, I embraced this new jester kick I'm on expressing my desire to clown around. I'm hanging out on Xia again a bit but I don't really feel she fits me anymore. So now I don't really know what name I want to go by, I suck at portraying what my avatars represent, and I'm just sort of left being on Xia because she's my main account and I was known as Xia before the alts I made.
What made you think you're weird?
I've diagnosed myself (can't go to a doctor so have to play doctor) with Avoidant Personality Disorder (which evolved first from selective mutism which evolved into social phobia). Of course that alone doesn't make me weird, it's part of a bigger picture. I've also considered Schizotypal Personality Disorder in the attempt to explain some of the strange stuff but haven't concluded whether or not I have it. I'm currently looking into the possibility of borderline autism.
I have a long history of social isolation. For the most part I've been very sheltered. I don't seem to have matured in the same fashion or speed as my peers.
I have always had great difficulty with verbal communication. I also have difficulty identifying a lot of times what I'm actually thinking and feeling. And even if I have an idea I may not know how to express it. I hardly ever know how to act in any given situation, or how to respond to things people say to me. I often find myself trying to figure out what I should say rather than just naturally knowing. This makes real interaction with people very difficult at times.
I also feel like a weirdo because my mind goes to strange places that sometimes I find disturbing. It's like my mind is taunting me and thinking bad shit on purpose to fuck with me. Sometimes the content of my thoughts don't really make sense.
In real life it's a very different story than people thinking I'm just trying to seem interesting. I was always seen as weird by my peers, probably because I didn't talk. The few times I was around people and felt comfortable enough to be more expressive I would act bizarrely or say things that were not really appropriate or out of place.
Some of my weirdness comes from various mental disorders, the rest of it, I don't know.
Other miscellaneous things include: talking to myself, over elaborate thoughts and expression/explanation, obsess over tiny details.
Part of my weird diagnosis is due to the fact that I'm very self-critical.
